There tends to always be a moment after critique.
Not during the defensiveness.
Not in the quick “don’t kink shame” responses.
But after.
After the sitting in discomfort.
After the conversation lingers.
After something gets touched that people would rather leave alone.
And in that moment, a realization shows up:
Maybe this isn’t as neutral as I thought.
So now what?
Because once you understand the difference between having a fetish and fetishizing a person…
once you understand that desire does not exist outside of history…
once you understand that consent does not erase context…
You don’t get to pretend you don’t know anymore.
At that point, what follows isn’t about rules.
It’s about choice.
So Let Me Stop Being Vague
This conversation gets watered down when I keep it abstract.
So let’s name it.
There are dynamics, labels, and “fetishes” that people are actively engaging and listing right now that absolutely warrant interrogation:
• “Queen of Spades” / “Jack of Spades”
• Chattel slavery dynamics
• Racialized Master/slave dynamics tied to historical power
• “New Black World Order” fantasies—yes even this one
And more.
Let’s not play like these are neutral.
They are built from:
• racialized desire
• systems of power
• histories of violence that are not distant—they are ongoing in their impact
So when these get labeled as “just a fetish, what’s actually being asked is:
Can this exist without being questioned?
And my answer is:
No.
So again, you have few choices.
Choice One: Ignore It
You can hear all of this… and decide it doesn’t matter. You can keep doing exactly what you’ve been doing.
That’s your autonomy.
But let’s be clear:
Ignoring something doesn’t make it neutral. It just means you’ve chosen not to examine it.
And that choice comes with:
lack of awareness lack of accountability
Not immunity from critique and certainly doesn’t prevent others from moving around you accordingly.
Choice Two: Interrogate It
Or—you can actually ask yourself:
Why this?
Why this specifically?
What about this dynamic—this history—this imagery has become erotic to me?
Because not every desire is self-generated.
Some of it is learned.
Some of it is conditioned.
Some of it is reinforced by what we’ve been shown, told, and sold.
So the question becomes:
Is this desire something I chose?
Or something I inherited without questioning?
That’s not shame.
That’s awareness.
Choice Three: Engage It Differently
If you’re going to engage it—then engage it with intention.
Not lazily.
Not blindly.
Not as aesthetic.
Ask yourself:
Am I engaging a person?
Or am I engaging a projection?
Am I aware of what I’m invoking?
Or am I playing with something I don’t actually understand?
Because engaging dynamics rooted in real histories
without awareness
is not edgy.
It’s careless.
Choice Four: Walk Away From It
And yes—this is an option.
Sometimes the answer is:
I’m not engaging this anymore.
Not because someone told you not to. But because you understand it differently now. Because you recognize the weight of it. Because you’ve decided that not everything that can be eroticized needs to be acted on.
That’s not repression.
That’s discernment.
There’s More To It
This isn’t just about a few “extreme” examples.
In my opinion:
Most—if not all—preferences, kinks, and fetishes should be interrogated.
Not to eliminate them.
Not to sanitize desire.
But to understand them.
Because when you interrogate your desire, you can: reduce harm deepen engagement move with intention instead of impulse and actually learn something about yourself.
Unexamined desire is easy.
Intentional desire takes work.
Let Me Be Direct
To be abundantly be clear:
I don’t fuck with these types of kinks and fetishes. They’re not my cup of tea. That’s my personal stance.
But my stance doesn’t exist in a vacuum either.
I remember being asked in a Clubhouse room, whether I would kink shame a Black woman engaging in race play rooted in chattel slavery, with her in the position of the slave and a white man as her Master.
I was caught off guard.
I had just entered the space and that wasn’t even the title of the room.
So I paused.
And I thought about it.
Because this isn’t a simple yes or no.
My response then—and still now—is this:
Given the history of Black people being denied autonomy over our bodies, our sexuality, and our ability to explore pleasure on our own terms,
I am not going to position myself as someone who condemns or shuts down another Black person’s erotic and sexual exploration.
That’s not my role.
What I said—and what I stand on—is that I would hope there is deep, intentional work happening around it.
Detailed conversations.
Thorough negotiation.
Clear boundaries and limits.
An awareness of both old and newly discovered triggers.
And where necessary—therapy, support systems, and safeguards.
Because if you’re going to engage something with that kind of historical weight, you need more than desire.
You need preparation.
You need awareness.
And you need accountability.
I am not here to perpetuate the suppression of another Black person’s sexual autonomy or journey.
But I am absolutely here to say:
That doesn’t make it beyond critique.
And I apply that same standard to myself.
There are things that I engage in—religious and sacrilegious play, politics, playing with partners personal rhetoric within dynamics—that are also worthy of reflection, interrogation, and critique.
I am not above that.
And I don’t ever intend to be.
Because this isn’t about standing outside of the conversation.
It’s about being honest within it.
This Is Not Kink Shaming
Let’s be clear before someone tries to say it:
This is not about policing desire.
This is not about controlling people.
This is not about saying “you can’t.”
This is about saying:
You don’t get to hide behind “kink” to avoid accountability.
Power.
History.
Identity.
They don’t Disappear just because you call something a FETISH.
So Now What?
You choose.
I gave you four choices off the top of my head.
There could very well be more.
But whatever you choose, choose it with awareness.
Because at this point, the real question isn’t:
“What am I allowed to do?”
It’s:
“What am I choosing to engage—
and why?”
Once you’ve reached your answer, sit with it.
Because:
Nothing is beyond critique—not fetish, kink, nor preference. Not when desire is shaped by influence, history, and context.
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